** This post contains affiliate links for the book “Attached.”
During a recent counseling session, our therapist recommended we read the book “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love” by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.
This book talks about attachment theory and how attachment styles impact relationships. I’ve learned a lot about why I act in certain ways and why my partner does as well. This understanding has helped me be more patient and see where he is coming from. It also has helped improve my communication. Here are some highlights:
There is no such thing as coddling. Something I’ve heard is that you can hold your baby too much and that you should just let children cry, without giving them too much attention. This never felt right to me. I ignored the advice and held my kids when they needed it. I felt reassured in this decision in “Attached.” The authors explain that dependency is not a bad thing. Often we just need reassurance.
Having a secure role model can help you adopt secure ways. That means that if there is someone in your life that is a good model of how to securely behave in relationships, that can inspire you. #relationshipgoals. Note: According to the Attachment Project, “People who have developed this type of attachment are self-contented, social, warm, and easy to connect to. They are aware of and able to express their feelings. They also tend to build deep, meaningful, and long-lasting relationships.”
Example of secure, from “Attached”: Be available, don’t interfere, act encouragingly, communicate effefctively, don’t play games, view yourself as responsible for your partner’s well-being, be courageous and honest in your interactions, wear your heart on your sleeve, and more.
One thing to ask yourself in a relationship is whether you are treated like royalty or the enemy when you’re in the “inner circle.” If you’re the enemy, it’s time to break up.
To communicate effectively, be direct and ask for what you need. A simple question can give you the answer you wanted. With effective communication, you win either way: Either you get what you need, or you learn something telling about the person and their ability to meet your needs.
Don’t blame: never make your partner feel selfish, incompetent or inadequate. “Effective communication is not about highlighting your partner’s shortcomings,” according to Attached.
Your need are legitimate. They are essential for YOUR happiness. Figure them out and say them directly. Whether your needs are legitimate for someone else is beside the point.
Have you read “Attached”?
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Marette Flora is the founder of Floradise blog and personalized gift shop. Marette is a passionate storyteller and creator. She attended the Walter Cronkite School of Journalism at Arizona State University and obtained a bachelor’s degree in journalism and mass communication.
She is passionate about creating helpful and meaningful things.